I'm sorry I was unable to write a July letter and will follow up on the June one

some other time. With continual worsening of pain and debilitation, it felt

like I could not go on and that God wasn't there to help me. But I slowly

discovered that the enemy had weakened and deceived me in several subtle ways.

I have had to take a big refresher course in "Grace 101". If everything

pertaining to our salvation (I'm talking more here about the "daily in this

life" aspects than our ultimate eternal salvation) is received by grace through

faith, then it must also be true that these same aspects of our day-to-day

salvation are lost by frustrating or failing to receive that grace through fear.

So I began asking God how I was frustrating His grace. How did the enemy get

such a hold on my soul? The hymn "'Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" held a major

key. It is all about trust, taking Him at His Word, resting on His promises,

remembering how I've proved Him in the past and continually seeking grace to

trust Him more. I found trust to be badly lacking to the point where I couldn't

even believe for grace to do it. There were really three weaknesses in the

flesh the enemy was using to try to uproot and choke all trust that had

developed over the years. I call them the "Trust Busters".

1. A perceived lack of guidance from the Lord. For years, the Lord dealt with

me about doing only what He tells me to. I was an eager student and carefully

looked for His way. I believe this is an area most of us are not well taught in

and are therefore lacking. After God revealed myself to me, I didn't ever want

to do my own thing again. But there were small daily decisions, especially

about my care, that I felt desperate need for guidance on and the Lord was being

silent. So whenever I had to make a decision I was continually fearful it was

the wrong one. Then if things didn't go well, I'd start examining and figuring

out what I did wrong and what to do next and God just wouldn't tell me. I

didn't know it but I was in a "Trust Test".

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your

own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your

path." Recently I saw something I'd never really seen before. What stood out

to me was - in all your ways. God wasn't going to run me like a robot. He was

going to leave some small daily decisions to me but as I made them I was to

acknowledge and trust Him. I also learned that in this verse the word "direct"

means not only to make a way but to remove obstacles. God was telling me,

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him to help you do it and He

will." (Ps. 37:5) The enemy had me in a cycle of dread, condemnation and defeat

while I was trying to figure out why God wouldn't tell me everything when all I

wanted was to obey. That's what I'd thought not leaning on my own understanding

meant. I sure didn't trust myself but this lie from Hell keep me from trusting

God too.

Dear one, do you sometimes feel like every decision you make is wrong, that God

must be terribly displeased and that you must just not be able to hear His

voice? You may be in a "Trust Test". It may be that the decisions themselves

are not the issue. If that's the case make your decision, let go and let God!

2. Failed expectations of the Lord. My deliverance had not yet come. By now my

trust was eroding. I often said things such as, "I can't face this! I can't do

this anymore! What does He want from me?" I began defining what I needed from

the Lord - what I perceived should and had to happen if I was to make it. If

that was not what happened, in my eyes, God had failed me. I didn't realize I

was trying to lead Him with my feelings and perceptions. In my mind there could

never be enough grace for this. The circumstances were too big for me and God

either had to remove them now or He wasn't faithful to His Word. Soon I had

absolutely no expectation for good - only evil. "Expect God to act" (Ps. 42:11)

mocked me because He didn't act as I expected to my satisfaction. Yes, I had

developed a prison mentality that God wanted to break in the prison! He wants

my testimony to be, "What would have become of me if I had not expected to see

the Lord's goodness in the land of the living?" (Ps. 27:13)

Beloved, are you in the school of endurance? Have your expectations been

broken? This is the work of the Trust Buster but it is also an opportunity to

pass a trust test. Take this hymn as a balm: "He giveth more grace when the

burden grows greater. He sendeth more strength when the labors increase. To

added affliction He addeth His mercy. To multiplied trials, His multiplied

peace. When we have exhausted our store of endurance, when our strength has

failed ere the day is half done, when we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

our Father's full giving is only begun. His love has no limit; His grace has no

measure. His power has no boundary known unto men. For out of his infinite

riches in Jesus, He giveth and giveth, and giveth again!"

3. A perceived need for self-protection and preservation. This is the sneakiest

and most harmful Trust Buster and it comes as a result of an already broken down

trust. Because I am appointed to live and not die, I began to see my most

important role as doing everything to preserve and protect myself from pain

because God wasn't going to. The enemy really worked me over on this. Any

effort to seek or worship God caused more physical pain so I avoided Him. I

felt I could best serve Him by just surviving. Without realizing it, I was

bowing to fear of pain, serving sickness and acting completely in the flesh

trying to protect myself while wondering why I had no grace. I was so desperate

that even though I didn't feel like I could trust Him, I had nowhere else to go

and reached a "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15) point. I

guess I just gave up. The Lord began to give me unusual calm in the midst of my

pains. He flooded me with hymns and Scriptures, renewing all His promises to

me. But when I went to the Lord to sing the songs He gave, the pains got worse

and worse and I wanted to shrink back and protect myself. I had read a teaching

that said fear is - False Evidence Appearing Real which the Lord brought to mind

so I kept going with the Spirit's help and have continued night after night.

Each time I have come away strengthened, more confident and determined to face

the onslaught until the dawn comes. Many hymns ministered to my spirit and I

wish I could share them all. But the verse from "O Love that Will Not Let Me

Go" that says, "O joy that seekest me through pain; I cannot close my heart to

Thee" really exposed and broke my self-protection cycle. I saw how the enemy

had used pain and fear of pain to close my heart to God. At the same time, I

realized the God of Joy was seeking me through my pain. I can't explain it but

I felt cherished and was now able to experience the rest of the verse which

says, "I trace the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain -

that morn shall tearless be". I know some of you are desperately trying to

protect yourselves and don't even know it. May God open your eyes now and

release you to trust again.

Now may the ever faithful One who perfects that which concerns us and always

keeps His Word fill you with trust and cause grace to abound until all He

desires is accomplished. May the Trust Busters be defeated as we grow in grace

and in the knowledge of Him Who has called us. Amen. We love you and thank Him

for your encouragement and prayerful support.